I was sent this by email and it just cracks me up every time I look at it!
Maybe I need to get out more...
Saturday 27 October 2007
Aspirations
I asked Dumpling what he wanted to be when he grew up and I really expected fireman or train driver,
instead his eyes light up and he declared
"A wedding cake taster!"
Note to self; Dont let your son watch to much greys anatomy...
instead his eyes light up and he declared
"A wedding cake taster!"
Note to self; Dont let your son watch to much greys anatomy...
Monday 22 October 2007
Still tired, sicky feeling and dizzy feelings have gone, gave the kids a verbal beating this morning, they have slipped back into the passive aggressive stuff again, like saying yes to something I ask them to do then slipping away and not doing it, once again I find myself yelling at the top of my voice "If you put as much effort into doing it as you do avoiding it..." When I'm angry and am barking orders, stuff gets done, kids are polite to me and each other and they behave in the way I want but as soon as I stop the boot camp routine, their standards slip instantly, so I have to be upset, have a sore throat and a pounding head from the stress of picking up their bloody mess, tripping over their shoes, finding unflushed toilets, not being able to get in the bath before cleaning the blackness out of it, finding plates left all over the worktop BESIDE the dishwasher, the magic cupboard that does it for you for christs sake, I made Lolly wash everything up by hand this morning including what was already in the dishwasher because even after I had told them both off for dumping plates, she did it again. They both seem to find satisfaction in getting away with doing as little as possible rather than feel proud of a good job.
Rant over. arggghhhhh! ok, over.
Rant over. arggghhhhh! ok, over.
Sunday 21 October 2007
Cough...sneeze...bleaughhh...
I know, my blogging has seriously lost its momentum, I wonder if anyone has done a study on the ebbs and flows of blog writing? Anyway, lots going on here, its not my place to discuss most of it on here, its happening to someone close to me, big changes are afoot, and its very upsetting for all involved, great I'm welling up again. Its ok, no ones ill or anything, just life stuff. Making me question this process of life though, when things you thought were forever and unbreakable are not and can turn sour right there in front of you, horrible process.
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I know, my blogging has seriously lost its momentum, I wonder if anyone has done a study on the ebbs and flows of blog writing? Anyway, lots going on here, its not my place to discuss most of it on here, its happening to someone close to me, big changes are afoot, and its very upsetting for all involved, great I'm welling up again. Its ok, no ones ill or anything, just life stuff. Making me question this process of life though, when things you thought were forever and unbreakable are not and can turn sour right there in front of you, horrible process.
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Also discovered a nasty side of blogging that I had no idea about, I'm damn not posting a link to any of it, I wont fuel any part of it, makes me feel sad and sick that people can be so cruel, is that the only way they can feel good about themselves?
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My chickens are a few weeks off laying, cant wait, they are the funniest things to keep, so enthusiastic but not overly bright, makes for fun viewing as they comedy sketch around my garden
Wednesday 17 October 2007
Dumpling and I are at home with sore throats, temps and that general sicky, head-achey feeling, he has calpol but I've run out of grown up medicine. Have to go food shopping, will get some then.
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Was Dumplings 6th birthday on Monday, he didnt want a big party, he doesnt like them, too much going on and he ends up hiding and crying so he had his best friend Lewis round for tea, 2 of them was enough believe me! I chose most of the presents that people gave (they did ask, I was being total control freak) so I was really pleased, I asked not to get him any more smaller gimmicky things, we have hundreds of toy cars and I reallt cant take any more, I rolled over in bed in the middle of the night and found one! So he got a great projecter that has 105 images to choose from, it projects onto a little desk and you draw the image and then illustrate it, Dumpling adores this as he's a great artist but gets frustrated when he knows what he wants to draw but cant get it right, this way he gets the basic shape and then he fills in the detail. He also got a great sit on tv-games console thing, 30 games in one thing and you can sit on like a little car (might be easier if i take photos as my explaining is making no sense to me let alone you!)
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I'll come back later, I feel really sick and dizzy x
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Was Dumplings 6th birthday on Monday, he didnt want a big party, he doesnt like them, too much going on and he ends up hiding and crying so he had his best friend Lewis round for tea, 2 of them was enough believe me! I chose most of the presents that people gave (they did ask, I was being total control freak) so I was really pleased, I asked not to get him any more smaller gimmicky things, we have hundreds of toy cars and I reallt cant take any more, I rolled over in bed in the middle of the night and found one! So he got a great projecter that has 105 images to choose from, it projects onto a little desk and you draw the image and then illustrate it, Dumpling adores this as he's a great artist but gets frustrated when he knows what he wants to draw but cant get it right, this way he gets the basic shape and then he fills in the detail. He also got a great sit on tv-games console thing, 30 games in one thing and you can sit on like a little car (might be easier if i take photos as my explaining is making no sense to me let alone you!)
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I'll come back later, I feel really sick and dizzy x
Saturday 13 October 2007
Sing it girls!
First I was afraid,
I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord I almost died
I'd spent oh so many years
Just waiting for a man that long
That I grew strong
And I knew that I could take you on
But there you were, another lie
I was ready for a big mac
And you brought me a french fry
I should have known that it was bull,
Just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known no anaconda
Was there lurking in those jeans!
Go on now, go
Walk out the door
Don't promise me 10 inches
Then turn up with only 4
Weren't you a twat
to think I wouldn't find you out
Don't you know we were only joking
when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive, I will survive
Cause as long as I have batteries
my sex lifes going to thrive!
I will always have god sex
with a handful of la-tex!
I will survive!
Thanks to my friend Emma for texting this to me!
Friday 12 October 2007
Teenage daughter manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
Dust
I'm wincing as the window men take out the old wooden frame windows and replace them with UPVC, theres so much crap and dust coming down I can hear it from downstairs and taste dust in the air. They did another two windows here yesterday and it took me hours to vacuum and mop everywhere, all clothes that are hung on the airer or in the laundry room will have to be washed again. I cleared as much as I could out of their way but ran out of space. Its going to take a long time to clear up after this and you know how much I love housework...
Thursday 11 October 2007
The Wonders of Little Boys
The hardest thing for little boys to do is to sit still.
It is absolutely impossible for a little boy to go up or down steps one at a time.
The last thing a little boys wants to do is go shopping, the next to last thing a little boy wants to do is try on new clothes.
Little boys won't tell you what they like to wear, your only clues are what wears out fast and what never gets worn.
Little boys wont tell you when something is bothering them but they stay close by when something is bothering you.
Little boys like sleeping bags better than beds, they would rather live in a tent than a house-but they will want a ride in the car to visit the kid next door.
Little boys do not sit in chairs-they ride them.
After a little boy has to clean up his room he will stay away from it as long as possible because it isn't comfortable.
Little boys keep their friends for a long time-even the ones they fight with.
Little boys can think of so many things that are more important to do than homework.
Little boys think the best thing about money is the noise it makes in their pockets.
It takes a long time for a little boy to get angry and only a few seconds for him to get over it.
There is no one as lonely as a little boy whose best friend has just moved away.
Little boys have to know how things work-and the only way to find out is to take them apart.
It is absolutely impossible for a little boy to go up or down steps one at a time.
The last thing a little boys wants to do is go shopping, the next to last thing a little boy wants to do is try on new clothes.
Little boys won't tell you what they like to wear, your only clues are what wears out fast and what never gets worn.
Little boys wont tell you when something is bothering them but they stay close by when something is bothering you.
Little boys like sleeping bags better than beds, they would rather live in a tent than a house-but they will want a ride in the car to visit the kid next door.
Little boys do not sit in chairs-they ride them.
After a little boy has to clean up his room he will stay away from it as long as possible because it isn't comfortable.
Little boys keep their friends for a long time-even the ones they fight with.
Little boys can think of so many things that are more important to do than homework.
Little boys think the best thing about money is the noise it makes in their pockets.
It takes a long time for a little boy to get angry and only a few seconds for him to get over it.
There is no one as lonely as a little boy whose best friend has just moved away.
Little boys have to know how things work-and the only way to find out is to take them apart.
Thursday 4 October 2007
OK, quick up dates, cant sit for too long at the pc as back is giving me such pain at the moment, but my GP has agreed I would be a good candidate for acupuncture! I have a 5 week course starting the week after next, feel better in my self already just knowing this might help!
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I bought a 40 GB external hard drive to take some of the strain of my poor old pc, have 4 GB of photos stored on there! Its a little faster but really it needs a complete wipe and start again but I don't have all the cds for the programmes and don't want the hassle of reinstalling the broadband again! The new hard drive is a beautiful silver thing that fits in the palm of my hand, I look at it lovingly every time I sit at the pc, do you think its the lack of sex that makes me drool over my gadgets?
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My chickens are a few weeks away from laying, so looking forward to the first eggs, still trying to keep them safe from the foxes. Mr and Mrs Fox decided to make sweet, noisy, screaming love UNDER my bedroom window at 4.30am! Apologies to all neighbours who heard me telling them in not too polite terms to go away!
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Baby Tom (toddler now but the name stuck) is back with me as he didnt like nursery and his mum thought he would be better back with me for a few months. He is the cutest, politest child you have ever met, I adore him and just love talking to to him, his voice and the things he says are just too cute! He has had all his long floppy hair cut off and looks so different, I follow him round with my new camera and email his parents the best photos!
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I bought a 40 GB external hard drive to take some of the strain of my poor old pc, have 4 GB of photos stored on there! Its a little faster but really it needs a complete wipe and start again but I don't have all the cds for the programmes and don't want the hassle of reinstalling the broadband again! The new hard drive is a beautiful silver thing that fits in the palm of my hand, I look at it lovingly every time I sit at the pc, do you think its the lack of sex that makes me drool over my gadgets?
***********************************************
My chickens are a few weeks away from laying, so looking forward to the first eggs, still trying to keep them safe from the foxes. Mr and Mrs Fox decided to make sweet, noisy, screaming love UNDER my bedroom window at 4.30am! Apologies to all neighbours who heard me telling them in not too polite terms to go away!
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Baby Tom (toddler now but the name stuck) is back with me as he didnt like nursery and his mum thought he would be better back with me for a few months. He is the cutest, politest child you have ever met, I adore him and just love talking to to him, his voice and the things he says are just too cute! He has had all his long floppy hair cut off and looks so different, I follow him round with my new camera and email his parents the best photos!
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