Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Pretty much back to myself. It was a very long half term with a very tight budget, bad weather and two kids who pick up on my mood and don't behave very well either. They are both back at school today and as much as we love each other I think we were sick of each other!

I've been quietly very worried about baby Toms mum and the new baby due in two days. She has many medical problems in the pregnancy sense and has a C-section booked Thursday. This will be her last baby, she has had many, many miscarriages and baby Jack was still-born a few years ago. I know she is in the best hands, has seen consultants in London throughout the pregnancy and been scanned endlessly so there isn't much they don't know or expect but I cant help but worry a lot and have been keeping it to myself so as not to worry Lolly or Dumpling.

I'm having a bit of pointless 'mommy guilt' at the moment, the house is a mess, but then whose isn't after a week of the kids being off? Like teenage girls are affected by pictures of models, I'm bothered by media images of clean kitchens with clean smiling children running through them, while gorgeous mummy looks on fondly...I KNOW ITS NOT LIKE THAT! My brain is battling either side of the arguement, I know images in adverts, magazines, tv programmes are not true and not real but I cant help but want that ideal. Have been gardening yesterday, got fed up in the end, my mum calls me the impatient gardener, I want it to look like something from 'Homes and Gardens' NOW !

I'm happy being single but it seems a lot of older members of my friends and family are not, various relations and friends had heard either through me or the grapevine that I had been seeing Jon, seems a few bought hats too... They are all bitterly disappointed that I'm not seeing him any more. This is the trouble with being single for so long, one man comes along and they all jump on the 'Jenny's got a man' bandwagon, even my mum confessed she thought he might be 'the one' and fantasised about our wedding...our what? Do you see how much pressure I'm under here? I feel like I'm letting them down when they find out I 'let him go', I'm not bloody fishing here! It suggests that I'm not good enough till I bag a man, they seem to think I'm just coasting along till I meet a man, isn't my life good enough as it is? I don't know, but I don't like the way I feel about their reactions.

The flip side to that is that in my twenties men were beating a path to my door, I could pick and choose and enjoyed the attention but at 32 they are more likely to be looking at Lolly! Does it make sense that I don't want a relationship but I want men to want to have one with me?


Maria said...

Oh, yeah. I'm that way too. I am not a knock-out or anything, but I used to turn a head or two (mostly boys, though...) in the grocery store.

When I hit about...37, that stopped happening and it was like overnight. I mean, one day, I had a little sumpin sumpin and the next day, I was like the church lady on the sex appeal scale.

That always bothered me. It still bothers me. It bothers me when I am standing next to a Barbie in the deli and I see the deli guy say, "Next?" and he is so hopeful that it isn't the tired looking middle aged woman in a torn shirt.

But, a season to everything, yes?

Bahrageous said...

I'm with you, chickie. My mother actually asked me if I had "turned gay". Fekking hell.

Kate said...

some things surprise and amaze. the start of this year I went to two weddings, and it was duly noted that I was the "solo mum" friend, no one including me thought I would be likely to find anyone or even be considering getting married within the year but less than six months later here I am. Not saying you want to get married but keep your mind open to your own growth and heal yourself and life may surprise you.


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